Lina vs. The Ruby-Eyed Damsel (and other stories)
by Ameria
Summary: Have you ever wondered what would happen if the Slayers characters had to face their OOC fanfiction selves?
1. Lina vs. The Ruby-Eyed Damsel

Notes:  
  
I wrote another of these humor fics... I swear I am a nice person who writes normal fanfiction! If only I would finish them. This is just my take on the OOC situation. I want to poke fun at fanfiction in general, and give us something to laugh at ourselves about. I hope you enjoy it!  
  
Thank you to Rachel for the title!  
  
I do not own Slayers. Thank your lucky socks for this, as if I did, I would never finish it.  
  
Lina vs. The Ruby-Eyed Damsel (and other stories)  
  
Zellas appeared onstage to the wild cheering of the massive amounts of Slayers fans, appearing disgruntled and bored. She surveyed part of the crowd, and then began her spiel. "Hello, my name is Greater Beast Zellas Metalliom, and I am here to host the first 'Slayers Characters vs. Their Fanfiction Selves' competition. The first competitors are Lina Inverse, the Enemy of all who Live; and Lina Inverse, Sorceress Supreme. Enjoy," Zellas added, walking briskly off stage.  
  
Lina walked confidently onstage, spring in her step, and looking as perky and ostentatious as usual. The vast majority of the crowd erupted in loud cheering, drawing out her arrogant side, and eliciting a self-satisfied shrug. Next, ffLina walked on stage, slower, with a shadow of confidence and a glance back at her koibito for reassurance, causing many romance writers and fans to 'Aww!' She grinned proudly.  
  
"Hey!" Lina yelled, suddenly pointing to ffLina. She located Zellas, waiting just off stage. "She has bigger breasts than me!"  
  
"'Than I,'" Zellas said mildly.  
  
"No, I think you're breasts are bigger," Lina said brusquely, looking at Zellas. Zellas rolled her eyes. "But this isn't about you! It's about me!" She said fervently, pointing to herself.  
  
"Hey, Lina, when are we getting to the fight?" ffLina asked, bored and irritated.  
  
"How come everybody has bigger breasts than me?!" Lina whined, flailing her arms dramatically. "Even I have bigger breasts than me!" Zellas decided not to bother with the young human's atrocious grammer this time.  
  
"Okay," FfLina said. "Fireball!"  
  
"Aaaagh!" Lina rolled out of the way and glared at ffLina. "Burst Rondo!" she yelled in reply. FfLina screamed and covered her eyes as the many spheres of light burst around her. Lina stood up and put her right hand on her hip, smirking. After the Burst Rondo dissipated, ffLina slowly uncovered her eyes, checking to see if it was safe. Once she saw it was, she put her hands on her hips.  
  
"Ha! You didn't get me!"  
  
"Not yet," Lina smirked.  
  
"Fireball!" ffLina shouted again. Lina was ready with a defense barrier.  
  
"Don't you know any other spells?!" She yelled, canceling the spell.  
  
"Dragon Slave." FfLina said proudly.  
  
"And...?" Lina asked.  
  
"Um... I'm sure I know others," ffLina said, thinking hard. Lina put her hand to her forehead in a display of her annoyance, and then removed it to perform her next spell.  
  
"Ahem," Lina said, standing up and clearing her throat. FfLina glared at her.  
  
"Flare Arrow!"  
  
FfLina screamed, putting her arm over her eyes again. The Flare Arrow knocked her off her feet. "My love! Help me!" she yelled desperately, tears beginning to run down her cheeks. Lina looked alarmed.  
  
"I'll help you! Hold on, I love you Lina Inverse!" her love replied. Zellas quickly transported over to the offending koibito and held him back. She looked ill at the idea of touching this desperate creature.  
  
"Koi..." ffLina said weakly, stretching out her hand.  
  
"Lina Inverse!"  
  
Lina watched in astonishment as FfLina fainted. Her koibito looked like he was willing to die right then and there. "Okay! Weirdness quota for the day more than fulfilled! I'm leaving!" she announced, marching off stage. She surveyed the crowd, choosing a likely place to start, and began to weave through the rows selling her autograph for a gold piece per signature- three if the demanding person wanted a note. As ffLina was carried off the stage, Zellas walked onstage to continue her latest assignment.  
  
"Your next contestants are Gourry Gabriev vs. Gourry Gabriev." She walked back offstage to wait. 


	2. Gourry vs. The Blonde Brick

Aaagh! It's short! I begged my muse for more ideas, but she aimed her middle finger at me and then stalked off. I think I haven't been giving her enough chocolate lately...  
  
Part II  
  
Gourry Gabriev walked nonchalantly up onto the stage, to the applause of some of the fans, and expressive catcalls of a few...and waited. Then he waited some more. The vast majority of the crowd began to grow restless, and Gourry began to daydream. Finally Zellas strode off to see what had happened. Several long minutes later she reappeared, dragging a bewildered looking ffGourry behind her.  
  
"He got lost in the lobby," Zellas said flatly. She gave him a last shove onto the stage, and then retreated to the side.  
  
"Where am I?" FfGourry asked, looking around with wide eyes.  
  
"You're here to fight me."  
  
"I am?"  
  
"Yeah, you are. Prepare yourself," Gourry said, drawing his sword.  
  
"Oh, okay... What does prepare mean, uh... what's your name again?" FfGourry asked, finger to lips in deep thought. There was a loud "BOOM!" as good third of the audience fell into the popcorn-laden aisles. Even Gourry would have fallen over if he hadn't been ready for a fight, and in a fighting stance. FfGourry stared in surprise at the presence of an audience. Gourry decided not to waste the distraction, and leapt at him. There was a loud clang as metal hit metal, causing Gourry to nearly fall over in shock.  
  
"How can this guy be so good when he's so dumb?!" He thought. The battle continued for two long hours, until the audience began to bring out copies of Lord of the Rings to read. Zellas observed this, and as she didn't have a copy herself, decided to end the battle.  
  
"Put down your cutting implements, Gourry...and Gourry." Gourry started to put down his sword, but then brought it back up at another attack from FfGourry. "Gourry, put down your sword," Zellas said, annoyed. FfGourry continued to attack.  
  
"He won't stop!" Gourry called out to Zellas. Zellas twitched in irritation, and then strode onto stage, and pulled ffGourry back by his collar.  
  
"I told you to stop fighting," she said in a low voice.  
  
"You did?" He asked.  
  
"Yes, I said 'Put down your cutting implements, Gourry, and Gourry.'"  
  
"Am I Gourry?" FfGourry asked, eliciting another spasm of twitches from Zellas. She carefully set ffGourry back down, and then snapped her fingers, causing ffGourry to disappear. She looked much more satisfied after that, and many members of the crowd erupted in cheering.  
  
"Tie." Zellas proclamed. "Gourry, you can go back now."  
  
"Oh," Gourry said, and walked off stage to find Lina. Zellas returned to her duties as announcer.  
  
"Your next contestants are Zelgadiss Graywords vs. Zelgadiss Graywords!"  
  
***  
  
To the Reviewers of Part I:  
  
I'm glad you all liked it! Thank you for your reviews!  
  
Lady Athena-  
  
LINA: ::looks from ffLina to mirror Lina and back again, screams and runs away::  
  
AMERIA: Not even Ruby Eye could frighten Lina so much as you just did, Lady Athena.  
  
ZELGADISS: Congratulations.  
  
Mynuet- Yes, koibito means lover. I've read it in a few very OOC romance fics. OOC romance fics often seem to use dramatic Japanese words or phrases in order to make the fic more melodramatic. Every fire is sparked from an observation. ^_~  
  
Phelan- I have some ideas for Xelloss vs. Fruitcake. Yes...  
  
XELLOSS: ::looks panicked:: Mother...  
  
Two Lina Inverses, lol. ^_^ Three if you bring up Mirror Lina.  
  
ZELGADISS: I rue the day...  
  
As for Filia vs. Filia... I'm not sure yet! I haven't really noticed a great deal of comedic difference between the two. I'll have to read more fanfic! (Tragic, ne?)  
  
Only Yuri- Ah! You've caught my tragic downfall! I'll try to watch that more. Zel's chapter should be a decent length!  
  
Cynical Angel- Naga vs. Naga! I didn't think of that...  
  
NAGA: AAOHOHOHOHO!  
  
AUDIENCE: ::no reaction::  
  
NAGA: Oh...ho? ::sees all audience have headphones distributed earlier for five bucks a piece, hooked up to first-season Slayers song:: Hey! That's not fair!  
  
But what is her OOC fanfiction persona?  
  
Lady Lightningblade- I really like your name! Most of the ffGourrys I've seen were dumb as rocks.  
  
ZEL: Hey, you said you wouldn't use that comparison anymore!  
  
LINA: It's true!  
  
ZEL: ::glare::  
  
One ffGourry even forgot /Lina's/ name! Gourry isn't that dumb. He can read, and is willing to for recreation, for example. There are overly smart, suave, sophisticated Gourrys. I haven't read any of those fics yet, but I have heard of them. Perhaps I will do another with him, though being confronted by a Gourry-genius may cause Lina to die of fright!  
  
XELLOSS: ::thoughtfully:: Hmm...  
  
LINA: ::glare:: That's not a /good/ thing!  
  
Lina Inverse the Dramata: ::glomp:: You're stories /are/ interesting! I can just imagine Lina running around Hogwarts in a blur of crimson...  
  
LINA: The portraits! The flags! The arches! The towers! ::WHOMP!!:: Snape... 


	3. Zelgadiss vs. the Dark Prince of Love!

Bewildered Author's Note: I wrote this story up to the fight scene and then got stuck. Why couldn't I remember the fight scenes in the OOC fanfics? So I took a trip to fanfiction.net and searched, and searched, and searched…and found that OOC Zelgadiss never seems to fight!! He screams, curses, kills himself, and various other things, but… So…that's why this chapter has taken 3,000 years to write, and why I now have a humongous sweatdrop living on my head. I am having a hard time believing this, (even though I thought I'd seen everything) so I'd really appreciate it if someone can point me in the direction of an OOC Zelgadiss fight!  
  
Well now, so how am I ever going to handle the fight? ^_~  
  
Zelgadiss vs. the Dark Prince of Love!  
  
Zelgadiss stepped out on stage and awaited whatever horror he would be forced to witness. Presently, it made itself known.  It appeared out of the crowd and almost made it to the stage before its dramatic lover stopped it.  
  
"Zelgadiss Graywords!" She cried, love permeating her voice.  "Wait!" FfZelgadiss waited.  Once she reached her target, she stopped, and after a pause for a loving glance, handed a perfect crimson rose with dewdrop over to him.  He handled the rose delicately, looking adoringly upon it as if it were the sole item that gave him permission to live in this hurtful world.  Soon he moved his adoring gaze to her, and tears came to her eyes.  "You musn't die, Zelgadiss.  If you do, I will follow!"  FfZelgadiss looked extremely moved, and a crystalline tear trickled from his piercing, sapphire eyes and down his cheek.  
  
"You truly made my life worth living, love.  I will never abandon it as long as I have you."  
  
Zelgadiss looked upon the gruesome scene with an expression of utter horror.  He wondered how Zellas would be taking it.  Looking over to her, he was surprised to see her looking quite content. "Greater Beast?" he asked.    
  
     
  
"Yes?" she asked, noticing his questioning gaze. She removed a pair of earplugs.  Zelgadiss closed his eyes in disgust, hardly bearing the insanity.  Zellas, wearing a deeper frown than usual, glanced over at the pair of gemstone-eyed lovers. "That is enough!" she called out.  It was to no avail, the two were lost in each other's mouths.  She decided to risk approaching them, and strode over.  Loath to touch either of them, she kicked his love in the shin.  She cried out and collapsed, clutching the devastating injury.  FfZelgadiss knelt down in a panic, and removed her hand from her leg.  
  
     
  
"Just get up there and fight when you are through playing 'Dark Prince of Love,'" Zellas stated, before striding back to her vantage post.  
  
     
  
"I will avenge her!" FfZelgadiss spoke to the back of the retreating Zellas.  She gave him all the attention that was due.  FfZelgadiss turned back to kissing, and then healing his love's leg.  "I will carry you for the next three days so there will be no chance of hurting yourself worse, okay?" FfZelgadiss said gently to his love.  She nodded, gazing at him through wide, limpid eyes and long, tear-soaked lashes.  "I will be back to fight you in a minute," FfZelgadiss said to Zelgadiss, lifting his love.  "First I must transport her to a safe area."  
  
     
  
After transporting his love, leaving Zelgadiss behind to wonder if he hadn't just fallen into a classic romance novel, FfZelgadiss reappeared; red rose with dewdrop perfectly tied into the tie on his cloak.  Zelgadiss wasn't quite sure, but he thought he almost caught FfZelgadiss glimmering or sparkling in the sunlight as he mounted the steps up to the stage.  Either way, he was immensely disturbed.  
  
FfZelgadiss lifted his sword with every ounce of drama the scene called for. He leveled his cerulean gaze at Zelgadiss. "Astral Vine!" he called, voice echoing with power. Nothing happened. He gave his sword a good glare, and called out the spell again. Nothing happened. Enraged, he gave a shout and rushed Zelgadiss. Zelgadiss stood there, wondering what FfZelgadiss was trying to do. He had stone skin; no sword could hurt him! That had been made very clear in the first season in a groan-inducing part of a fight with Dilgear, just in case the audience couldn't have figured out that his rock skin would stop a sword. FfZelgadiss swiped his sword through his target. There was silence as the audience stared in wonder. It had gone through Zelgadiss? Zelgadiss stood there looking surprised, and as healthy as ever. FfZelgadiss stared at his trusty sword in shock. Zelgadiss looked over to Zellas. For once she wasn't frowning in boredom. She was, in fact, smirking!  
  
"Zellas, what the hell's going on?" Zelgadiss demanded. Her smirk grew wider.  
  
"It seems FfZelgadiss can fight only in theory!"  
  
And everyone but the self-satisfied Zellas crashed to the ground.  
  
*  
  
To the reviewers of Part II:  
  
Thank you again to everyone who read this story!  
  
Battle Maid: Yes, I'm working on the two personalities thing. ^_^ Maybe another Gourry part in the future.  
  
K-chan: Thank you very much for your review! Now, about the review on Fanfic HQ: I'm REALLY happy that you found it funny. It means a lot to hear that from a Z/L fan. I'm sorry that I did pick on the Z/L fans, and I waffled a lot on whether I should or shouldn't post it! As for why I picked Z/L fans, well… Z/L fanfics have the dubious honor of being the most recognized OOC couple there is. Any Slayers fan that reads fanfiction will get the joke in Fanfic HQ because of that. Z/L fanfiction has been the majority of couple fanfiction since Slayers became popular in America four years ago. The fic wouldn't have had the same impact using any other couple. (I am sorely tempted to try something with Z/A, but I'm afraid it would just turn into a whining fest.) I have heard that there are Z/L fics that aren't OOC, and I did ask the people on uh… Ruby & Sapphire, I think, if they could point me in the direction of one, but none of them were able to. I would really appreciate seeing an in-character Z/L fic.  
  
  
  
Thank you all! I love you all! **GLOMP!!** 


	4. Ameria vs Double Insanity

Ameria walked out on stage to varied reactions from the crowd, but waved and smiled cheerfully in typical Ameria-fashion. She had no idea what she would be up against. It soon appeared on stage…  
  
"HIIII!" it screeched, the high-pitched sound waves piercing straight into the center of everyone's brain. About half of the audience members moaned in distress. Ameria stood frozen in place, wide-eyed. She shook her head to try to clear her mind of the screech-induced shock and made an effort to optimistically decide that she must have, well, heard wrong. She leveled her gaze back on the little monster, observing its jumpy movements as it was looking around…for something. "There's no tree-" and suddenly its eyes landed on Zelgadiss.  
  
"MR. ZELGAAAADISS!" In a motion so fast only the fastest cameras could have recorded it, ffAmeria leaped off the stage and latched herself onto Zelgadiss. He was still staring in shock at the stage where she had been for a moment before he registered that she was attached to him. Then he looked down and proceeded to stare in shock at her…until her hand began to try to slip up his shirt. He gasped and began to try to wrestle her off, but her clinging abilities were beyond measure.  
  
Ameria stared at Zelgadiss wrestling the uber-leech, and then looked up to try to locate Zellas. "She is supposed to be controlling this fight after all, and it is not just that an innocent…" Ameria looked back at Zelgadiss, reconsidering her statement. "It is not just that a bystander should be attacked by one of the contestants!" she amended, looking about. Zellas was nowhere to be seen. "I guess I will have to take this into my own hands…" she muttered, searching the area one last time. Many members of the crowd were melting into puddles of distress as their desire to throw objects at ffAmeria battled with their desire not to take any action that may injure Zelgadiss, if only mentally.  
  
Suppressing a sudden urge to laugh at Zelgadiss's expression, Ameria trotted over to the struggling pair and put her hands on her hips, glaring ffAmeria. "You are here to fight me, Ameria-san, not to scare Zelgadiss."  
  
"I'm not /scared/," Zelgadiss proclaimed, in typical obstinacy. His distraction gave ffAmeria her chance, and she planted a kiss on Zelgadiss's mouth. "Help!" he said weakly, voice muffled by ffAmeria's enthusiastic love. Ameria bravely gripped ffAmeria, trying to pull her off. Suddenly, ffAmeria let go. Violent pulling is detrimental to balance in a case like this, and both Amerias landed in a heap on the ground. Zelgadiss nearly collapsed with relief, and then backed off a considerable distance, finally hiding behind a pillar. He cautiously peeked out to watch Ameria's progress.  
  
"It is UNJUST to come between two people in love!!!!!!" ffAmeria cried, pointing accusatively at Ameria.  
  
"Is it over?" Zellas asked. Zelgadiss, jumpy already, nearly smashed into the pole in the process of whipping around. "They are fighting now," Zellas observed. "Much better." She walked to the side of the stage to wait out yet another ridiculous fight.  
  
"Zelgadiss-san…is not in love with you," Ameria said, mystified as to how ffAmeria's conclusion had been drawn.  
  
"I will smash you, evil villain who goes against loveness, with the Hammer of Justice!" FfAmeria yowled. She started forward, and promptly tripped over her feet, falling on her face. Ameria blinked down at her, wondering if she should offer her some help up. Suddenly, using her inhuman speed, ffAmeria jumped up and right into Ameria's face. Ameria's eyes went wide as ffAmeria began spouting her words again. "You are the evilest creature I have ever fought! I will strike you down with the—"  
  
"YOU'RE SCARING ME!" Ameria hollered, smashing her fist into ffAmeria's face. FfAmeria went skittering across the stage, finally slamming into the wall. She lay unconscious, little pink hammers of Justice floating about her head. The crowd cheered, Zelgadiss came out from behind the pillar, and Zellas began her journey to the center of the stage to announce the next contestant- when a small, sharp dagger suddenly whizzed by Ameria's head.  
  
"Damn! I missed!" someone cursed. Ameria turned towards the voice. She didn't think she could take any more strangeness. A figure dropped into the middle of the stage, landing on two feet and one hand. It slowly stood up, causing every guy in the audience to look at the same place, and leveled its gaze at Ameria. She found herself staring at herself…in a tight black leather cat suit.  
  
"Who are you…?" Ameria asked, feeling faint, and looking from the woman's stilleto heels up past her low neckline and bright red painted lips to her accusing eyes.  
  
"You are trying to steal my Zelgadiss!" ffAmeriaII proclaimed, pointing another little sharp dagger at her.  
  
"I am?" Ameria blinked, confused.  
  
"If I have to kill you…" ffAmeriaII swung her dagger around to point at the pillar Zelgadiss was now hiding behind again between stealing glimpses at that wonderful tightly-clad bust "…or him… Even if I have to become a Mazoku…I will!" She let out a laugh that screamed of insanity. Ameria shivered.  
  
"Maybe you should go to a psychol—"  
  
"No!" ffAmeriaII said, pointing her dagger back at Ameria. "This is all your fault! YOU stole MY Zelgadiss!"  
  
"Nobody belongs to anybody else!" Ameria said, pointing at ffAmeriaII. FfAmeriaII balled up her unencumbered fist, incensed at the selfishness of this child. Zellas smiled thinly, thoroughly enjoying the feelings emanating from ffAmeriaII.  
  
"Zelgadiss, don't you think this is getting a little dangerous?" Gourry asked, appearing behind Zelgadiss and his safety pillar.  
  
"Huh? Dangerous? Oh. I suppose. But I'm not going out there."  
  
"Wimp," Gourry said, and began to walk out there.  
  
"I am /not/ a wimp!" Zelgadiss said, following. Gourry stopped, and Zelgadiss walked past him, on his way to Zellas.  
  
"You!"  
  
Zelgadiss froze.  
  
"You decided to come out of hiding, did you?" FfAmeriaII smiled thinly, looking upon Zelgadiss as if he were a Barbie doll that she wanted to melt. "If I can't have you, no one will!" she cried, opening her arms dramatically to the sky.  
  
"Zellas! End this now!" Zelgadiss screamed.  
  
"Zellas? My title is Greater Beast, you realize," she said, unwilling to end this so quickly. Zelgadiss growled.  
  
"Greater BEAST."  
  
"Hm… I suppose I do want to end this before anybody gets killed. I would get in trouble." Zellas snapped her fingers and ffAmeriaII disappeared. All was quiet.  
  
"Where did she go?" Ameria asked, still staring in horror at the spot she had been standing.  
  
"Oh, I transported her into an alternate plane of existence. She will be hanging out with fuzzy purple bunnies for a while," Zellas said with a thin smile, imagining the woman's horror. The half of the audience that recovers from shock quickly began to howl with laughter. "Next time we will get to see my faithful servant Xelloss pitted against his fanfiction counterpart. I hope it will not take him out of action for too long…"  
  
"I hope it doesn't either!" one Xelloss fangirl hollered from the audience, taking the ending of this chapter neatly away from the Greater Beast.  
  
*  
  
To the Reviewers:  
  
Thank you all for your reviews!  
  
Rowan Seven- I went ahead and read Slayers True (whew, that was long). Good story. It was not as blatantly ooc as usual, but it was still not in character. Lina and Zelgadiss…Lina especially, were too patient with each other. Of course, that was to make the story work.  
  
Cynical Angel- That would clear the audience of even the fanboys! ::rethinks about Naga:: Well, maybe not every fanboy… 


End file.
